


Tilt

by Maverick



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode: s05e19 Vegas, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:43:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1649045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maverick/pseuds/Maverick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Tilt -- In Texas Hold Em, a player that is playing recklessly.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tilt

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you watch _Vegas_ at 2am. One 100 word drabble for each of the five Coping Mechanisms.

  
**SUBSTITUTION - replacing one thing with another.**  
  
He picked Vegas for a reason. And not just because you can be anonymous there. Sometimes late at night he drives out into the desert, no real destination in mind. Once there he runs until he can’t run anymore, until he collapses to the ground, the familiar taste of sand, dry and bitter in his mouth. It's not the same, but it'll do for now. He’s pretty sure if Holland was still around, she’d call him on being a masochist. She’d always called him on his bullshit. But she’s not there. No one is, and that’s pretty damn familiar too.  
  
  
 **REPRESSION - subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts.**  
  
He doesn't let himself think about it. Not often anyway. And when the ghosts of his past claw their way out, he does his damnedest to rebury them deep. He weights them down with too much booze or a reckless game of cards. If he concentrates on fucking up his life in the here and now, he can forget. That is until someone reminds him that he wasn't always a fuck-up, that he'd once had a 'strength of character'. The fact that he wants to believe McKay only makes it worse. He knows the ghosts won’t stay buried this time.  
  
  
 **FANTASY - escaping reality into a world of possibility.**  
  
Life sucking aliens. Travel to other galaxies, other dimensions. Even with everything he’d been through, he hadn’t seen that one coming. He wasn’t lying when he told McKay he wasn’t a fan of sci-fi. He didn’t want to believe him, about any of it. But he watched a guy -- scratch that, a Wraith -- take a nose dive off a building and walk away. He’d seen the bodies of the victims. It was true, all of it. And now McKay was letting him walk away.  
  
He knew it couldn’t be that easy, but he wasn’t stupid enough to call his bluff.  
  
  
 **DENIAL - refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred.**  
  
Desire. It's not something he lets himself feel. Not anymore. The base shrink told him it would come back to him, you know before the Air Force kicked his ass out the door. But something inside John broke that day in the desert, something that can't be fixed. Or so he thought. Until a petty, arrogant, bad with people, _suit_ threw a pack of spearmint gum onto an interrogation table. He'd forgotten what that first rush of attraction felt like until it hit him square in the chest. So yeah, now was definitely the time to get out of Dodge.  
  
  
 **AVOIDANCE - mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress**.  
  
He turns in his badge with every intention of taking the money and walking away. He’s nothing like that other version of himself. Fuck McKay and his fairy tales. He’s no hero and he’s okay with that. He made his choice all those years ago and he’ll live with it. Hell, he’ll die with it.  
  
If only it were that easy. Motherfucker, even after all this time he can’t do it. He can’t leave something unfinished. For all his faults, he still can’t leave _someone_ behind. As the jets roar over head, he finds he’s all right with that too.  
  



End file.
